Dear Diary...

Here is some entries from Sophie diary that have been used to shape our film.

Dear diary....I know I’m not the most perfect person in the world and to be quite frank, nobody is but I’m the one that feels all the hate is on me. The past few days have been difficult, I don’t know how to deal with it so I just get angry with everyone and then they get angry with me and I wonder why. School is the worst thing ever but I suppose it does take my mind off of things for a little while. My friends are close to me but ever since things changed, for me, they have drifted, especially now when I need them most. I feel they now hate me or, at least, the person I’ve become because they judge on what they see and not how they feel, deep down inside. The pain is unbearable and the only way I’m free from it is if I take pills to numb the feeling of what’s going on around me. I feel safe when the pain is numb, as if nothing or no-one can get to me. It’s a way to keep my emotions bottled up inside of me although, one day I know I’ll have to let them out – or not. Lying in my bed at night allows me to let a little emotion run from me so there is room for more when I find something else that bothers me. It’s confusing as to how I get through each day and away from the feeling of hatred when I’m in my sleep. All of my barriers, I feel have failed and the people I love are drifting further and further away in each minute of my life.

Dear diary....Every day is a new day although I can’t feel anything as the pills have taken control over what emotions I can and can’t experience. I take these pills to help me but I don’t think they are working. I just feel tired and want to go to sleep for every hour of every day, it’s like my life choices have control of every move I make. I do think of my family and friends and how they respond to my ways but they don’t understand me anymore, it’s like they are the different colours of a rainbow and all I see is black. The hardest thing to deal with is my health and my friends and family. Since a few weeks ago, I will only eat about a third of what my family do. It’s hard to communicate with them because my parents recently divorced and I feel that I can’t talk to them because they are no longer together. My whole world is falling apart in front of me and the only thing that I can think of is, well, myself. I’m being so selfish and I refuse to do any social activities because I feel like, what’s the point really? I’m finding it hard to trust everyone, especially me. There is nothing I do, that I can compliment about. I think my family have given up trying to help me because all I do is ignore their advice. A week back they found cuts on both my arms, which is when they really gave up on me.

Dear diary.... No-one knows what to do with me anymore, friends or family. Each day at school gets worse as the term goes on. My friends try to help me, have a one-on-one with me but I’m not stupid and I know what they were trying to do so I avoided them. To be honest at this moment I don’t care if I have no friends or family to help, I prefer being by myself. My thoughts tend to run away with me and I’ve done a lot of thinking recently that maybe if I hurt myself on purpose, the pain won’t be so excruciating. With the way things are going, I’m considering running away because my tolerance level has been put on its lowest due to everyone trying to help me with my ‘problem’ as they say. I don’t see it as a problem, I see it as a way of life and I’m sure that I will soon enough be over it but I wouldn’t go to the extreme of calling the mental institution and sending me away which is what my parents have threatened me with. This is because, the other day I tried to rightly accuse my step-dad of abusing me, to my mum and did she believe me? No, not at all!

Dear diary...I want my dad back. Ever since the divorce and when mom met my step-dad I knew there would be something wrong – and I was right. He tells me that he does it because he loves me or would I rather he did it to my mother? It’s kind of bribery as well as abuse but I have had enough and when I tried telling my mother he laughed out loud. How do you laugh out loud at something as serious as that? My mom refuses to believe there is something weird about her ‘boyfriend’ but if she knew the truth, only if she knew...